The holidays, especially Christmas and New Year’s, can be a very difficult time for those coping with grief.
The joyful and merry spirit that typically prevails gives way to feelings of sadness and loneliness, which only deepen with every gathering with friends and family, and every awkward (albeit well-meaning) comment. You’ll hear things like: It’ll take your mind off of things! We’ll do just like we used to! He/she would have wanted us to enjoy ourselves!
Such good-intentioned comments do nothing to fulfil your desire to hold your loved one, to hear them laugh, to look into their eyes or to rediscover all the little things that make them unique and irreplaceable.
The first holidays following the loss of a loved one are often the most difficult. And while there are no magical solutions to ease the pain of loss, here are a few ways to help make this time of year a little more peaceful.
Making decisions that are right for you: You don’t have to accept every single invitation.
Whether you decide to take part in the festivities is entirely up to you. Another option is to simply make an appearance. You can let your loved ones know that you are finding this time of year especially difficult, to help them understand your choices. In other words, it’s important for you to talk about your needs and limits. You might not have enough energy to celebrate or attend gatherings. Grief can take a very heavy toll both physically and psychologically. In such contexts, certain things–like preparing for the holidays–can become particularly arduous, even overwhelming, which is why it is important to ask for help or to delegate tasks to others.
Creating your own ritual: Bereaved individuals typically find great comfort in organizing some sort of tribute or moment of remembrance for the deceased. Whether it’s a dedicated space or a moment set in time, such rituals allow to honour the lost loved one while shaping new memories. An event that may have seemed senseless in the absence of the deceased thus takes on a deeper meaning. It’s about finding a gesture that will enable those present to remember and pay tribute to the deceased.
Here are a few examples:
– Taking turns naming a quality of the deceased that you would want to instill in your own life.
– Making a toast to the deceased and sharing happy memories.
– Setting up a memorial with a candle and pictures of the deceased for people to gather.
– Preparing the deceased’s favourite dish and handing out the recipe to guests.
– Hanging a memorial Christmas ornament on the tree.
– Visiting the cemetery or columbarium before the event.
Allowing yourself to do things differently: Incorporating rituals into your usual traditions inevitably makes things different. Another option is to go for something completely different, be it the time, the place, or both. You can also limit the number of guests. And if you’re used to doing all the preparations yourself, don’t be shy to ask each guest to bring a little something to make it easier on yourself.
Taking moments to breathe and enjoy yourself: Many times, those coping with loss feel guilty when they experience pleasure. It’s important to plan something enjoyable, whether alone or with loved ones. Allow yourself to laugh and to let your mind wander away from the sadness of loss. After all, enjoying yourself does not mean forgetting. Such moments of respite are an essential part of the grieving process, without which ongoing suffering and pain become overwhelming and unhealthy.
Connecting with nature: Those grieving often feel guilt-ridden when they begin getting back in touch with life. They feel as though they are betraying or abandoning the deceased. The truth is that connecting with human, animal or plant life is truly beneficial for the grieving process. Several studies have shown the positive impact of nature on physical and emotional health. Simple things like walking in a park or taking care of an indoor plant can help strengthen one’s spirit, inside and out.
Staying active: While the thought of getting up and being active may be dreadful during the first few weeks, it’s important not to give in to this fatigue to avoid slipping into a lethargic state. There are many ways to stay active, including taking part in short social activities, spending an afternoon cooking, going for a beauty treatment, playing sports, etc. The goal is to exert some type of moderate physical effort to boost your energy, without going overboard. Getting yourself up and active, one small step at a time.
Spending moments alone to live your emotions: It’s normal to experience a myriad of emotions during grief. Such emotions include loneliness, sadness, anger, guilt, shame, to name but a few. Recognizing these emotions and allowing yourself to express them proves beneficial during the grieving process. For instance, shedding tears of grief and pain releases a calming and soothing substance called endorphins. Also, recognizing your emotions often tapers down the heavy and burdensome feeling of oppression that comes with grief. Bottling up your emotions and holding back your tears will only lead to greater suffering.
Healing through words: Sometimes a single phrase is all it takes to inspire hope and bring a little comfort. Here are a few ideas of how words can be used to promote healing: jot down quotes or words of wisdom in a notebook; make a montage of inspiring and encouraging words; read a page from a calming and soothing book every day.
Respecting each other’s differences: No two people experience grief the same way. Some people may react in ways that seem inappropriate to others.
That said, no matter how different people’s reactions may be, they all deserve respect. Some people are more expressive than others. Everyone has their own pace. There’s no sense in trying to establish a set of rules for what’s normal and what’s not. Each person is unique, as is each grieving process. Each person should openly express their needs regarding the upcoming holidays.
Surrounding yourself with caring people: Bereaved individuals sometimes have a tendency to withdraw and close themselves off from others. Being around others and benefiting from their support is, however, essential to overcome grief. It may be necessary to rethink your support network. It’s sometimes best to keep away from certain people who don’t understand the grieving process. Connect with people who are respectful, willing to listen and provide a source of comfort.
The absence of a loved one can become unbearable during the holidays. By allowing yourself to make meaningful gestures and take little steps forward, you are creating new memories that, over time, will contribute to shape a new reality. You will never forget your loved one. You are simply taking little steps forward without them. One day, your love for them will be stronger than your grief, and the feeling of emptiness will give way to a feeling of interior peace.
By:
Josée Jacques, Psychologist
Sophie Chartrand, Social Worker
Feel free to contact us should you have any questions or need information.
Un très gros merci à toute l’équipe! En particulier pour celles qui nous ont accompagnés toute la journée. Tout s’est déroulé à merveille grâce à leur aide. Les invités ont absolument adoré l’endroit. Ce fut une très belle journée dans les circonstances. Ma mère aurait été très contente de la cérémonie et de cette journée.
Félix Morency-Lavoie
Merci pour tout, ce fut une journée vraiment formidable. Merci pour votre professionnalisme et votre rigueur!
Chantale Veilleux
Je voulais vous remercier pour la belle cérémonie pour Esteban, tout était parfait, malgré le grand nombre de personnes.
Rodolfo Garcia
Merci beaucoup Monsieur Tittel, vos services nous enlèvent un poids sur nos épaules.
Manon Laroque
Je veux vous remercier, vous d’abord Monsieur Tittel, pour votre belle écoute et votre disponibilité lors du décès de mon mari Aurélien Boisvert. Votre approche est humaine et réconfortante. Également, je veux souligner le travail impeccable accompli par le directeur qui a officialisé ou plutôt dirigé la cérémonie à l’église et au cimetière. Il avait toujours le souci et la délicatesse d’aller selon le désir de la famille. Et à la toute fin il a adressé la parole comme si c’était le défunt qui énonçait ses dernières volontés.
Tous étaient unanimes, c’était spécial, unique et touchant. Il est vraiment dans sa profession. Merci de lui transmettre notre gratitude et notre satisfaction.
Émilienne B. Boisvert